Relationships and friendships have mostly been a disaster. As a young girl, I preferred a close friend over many. However, jealousy, feelings of disappointment, sensitivity, feelings of unworth and not a part of, however, went hand in hand.
Whether friend or lover, the push, pull sense of wanting what I could not have and not wanting what I had was prevalent.
I spent a lifetime trying to figure it out. What happened? What was wrong with me? Therapy, psychics, past life regressionists, reiki masters, psychiatrists, healers, hypnotherapists, counselors, workshops, spiritual advisors, metaphysicians, YOU NAME IT, I experienced it, trying to fix it.
It’s a “creeped out” feeling I would get when one got too close and I wanted to RUN FOR THE HILLS. But the loneliness and isolation would sometimes threaten to pull me so far down, I feared I wouldn’t be able to return.
26 years ago, as my life started to change for the better and I started to get to know some of my patterns, I shared this confliction with a friend. We were doing a workshop together, Foundations for Living, and I shared with her that she needed to know that I was going to push her away eventually. I shared my sadness with her about this need to get away when others got too close and she looked at me and said, “you aren’t getting rid of me sistah.” Notice the heavy Boston accent.
We do not live in the same city, but I still consider her my best friend, to this day. No matter what is going on with me, she is there for me. We are there for each other. She knows my perceived faults and loves me anyway. She allows me to be exactly who I am.
My husband is the same way. 25 years ago we met. When the love and kindness got too much to bear, I did everything in my power to push him away. I have written about this in more detail in my book. But the bottom line is that I had much to heal, forgive, accept, love as I didn’t feel worthy of love coming my way. I thought I loved myself just fine until I was challenged to receive it and give it. We are all mirrors for each other.
Today, I like to think of myself as a strong woman. A woman who shares her truth, her authenticity with the world, knowing it’s going to piss off some people. And I do this so imperfectly and have much to learn. I remind myself that I am doing my best and my best is enough. I am enough.
It hit me this morning, that the run from intimacy, the uncomfort I feel when it gets too much MAY JUST BE a part of who I am. And that is the greatest and most freeing feeling! I don’t need to fix it, figure it out or even know what it is about. I only need to love it.
I am at peace with that.