Run From Intimacy

Relationships and friendships have mostly been a disaster. As a young girl, I preferred a close friend over many. However, jealousy, feelings of disappointment, sensitivity, feelings of unworth and not a part of, however, went hand in hand.  

Whether friend or lover, the push, pull sense of wanting what I could not have and not wanting what I had was prevalent. 

I spent a lifetime trying to figure it out. What happened? What was wrong with me? Therapy, psychics, past life regressionists, reiki masters, psychiatrists, healers, hypnotherapists, counselors, workshops, spiritual advisors, metaphysicians, YOU NAME IT, I experienced it, trying to fix it.

It’s a “creeped out” feeling I would get when one got too close and I wanted to RUN FOR THE HILLS.  But the loneliness and isolation would sometimes threaten to pull me so far down, I feared I wouldn’t be able to return.

26 years ago, as my life started to change for the better and I started to get to know some of my patterns, I shared this confliction with a friend. We were doing a workshop together, Foundations for Living, and I shared with her that she needed to know that I was going to push her away eventually.  I shared my sadness with her about this need to get away when others got too close and she looked at me and said, “you aren’t getting rid of me sistah.” Notice the heavy Boston accent.

We do not live in the same city, but I still consider her my best friend, to this day. No matter what is going on with me, she is there for me. We are there for each other. She knows my perceived faults and loves me anyway. She allows me to be exactly who I am.

My husband is the same way. 25 years ago we met. When the love and kindness got too much to bear, I did everything in my power to push him away. I have written about this in more detail in my book.  But the bottom line is that I had much to heal, forgive, accept, love as I didn’t feel worthy of love coming my way. I thought I loved myself just fine until I was challenged to receive it and give it. We are all mirrors for each other.

Today, I like to think of myself as a strong woman. A woman who shares her truth, her authenticity with the world, knowing it’s going to piss off some people.  And I do this so imperfectly and have much to learn. I remind myself that I am doing my best and my best is enough. I am enough.

It hit me this morning, that the run from intimacy, the uncomfort I feel when it gets too much MAY JUST BE a part of who I am. And that is the greatest and most freeing feeling!  I don’t need to fix it, figure it out or even know what it is about. I only need to love it.

I am at peace with that. 

About the author

Kim Hiles (Dancing Feather) was born in Pennsylvania in the 1960s. Her mother was from Germany and met her father while stationed there. The family moved several times before settling in a town called Millis, Massachusetts.

Kim developed severe anxiety and depression as a child and struggled to find her way. Growing up, Kim was told by her grandmother that she wrote beautiful letters and had a way with words. Later in life, this memory would be a catalyst for sitting down and writing her memoir.

Continuing to say yes to life, Kim talks about her struggles of addiction, anxiety, depression and relationship issues, to name a few. She considers it her life mission to help empower others and uses her memoir as a way to offer guidance in living a more authentic life, following your dreams.

She has overcome much adversity and enjoys walking with others as they find their way. Kim has also co-written a young adult fantasy with her husband Will, called Little Wonders. Their pen name is K.W. Hiles.

Kim is a successful Educator, Social and Emotional Learning Specialist, Behavior Specialist, Mediator (Restorative Practices), 3rd degree Reiki Practitioner, and blogs regularly. In addition Kim offers online classes at Shamanic Passages Institute

Kim is considered highly sensitive and intuitive. Utilizing her gifts, her mission is to channel inspiration and healing and help spread some light. Empowering others to create the life of their dreams is the ultimate goal.

Kim is happily married (21+ years) and lives with her husband, son and their animal companions.

"I had a teacher who told us to go out that week and see how many Mercedes cars we noticed. When I came back I told her I had seen a lot! She asked me if I had seen any junk cars. I told her I didn’t remember seeing any. The next week she reversed it and asked us to go out and see how many junk cars we noticed. Of course we noticed a lot but didn’t remember seeing any Mercedes cars. Where is your focus? Is it on the problem or on the solution and more importantly, where would you like it to be?" -- Kim Hiles

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